Year End Results

Here I am adding up the extra hot dogs.



Well we had a good turnout for the final event at Chestnut Run Golf Course.
The fella's from Ufinrax won the title even though they played on Tuesday's and handed in the card (at Sandies) on Wednesday multiple times throughout the year. This violated 12 articles in our ByLaws but no points deducted as they are a bunch of swell eggs.

We also would like to thank the fellas from the the Tire Company about reminding me that rolling the ball in the fairway is allowed. I'm not up on the rules of golf and never see this done anywhere else but it must be ok since they do it every week.

Also, to the teams that did not call to pair up with your opponents - you will receive 0 points from now on, sometimes or not as I will selectively penalize the teams as I feel like it.

Further, the white stakes on the sides of the fairways near the wooded areas are just there for decoration, not to mark out of bounds or anything, so feel free to bang as many balls past them and DO NOT add a penalty stroke.

Our finances look great as I was able to pay myself $150.00 plus all the extra hot dogs and condiments for all of my hard work. It is very hard to misinterpret the ByLaws differently every week as I decide which team to screw with.

I hope you fuckers enjoy the off season and don't forget to stop by my house to spank me real hard.

See you Fuckers Next Year.
Regards,

Jer Bear

Week 12 & Hot Dog Night Review

Bruce attempts to grab a Kurt special.

Well we had a fabulous turn out for the last Hot Dog night of the year. I was surprised that the one bag of chips and 2- 2 liter bottles of sodapop wasn't enough to serve the 50 golfers but we'll give Curt another $75.00 for each Hot Dog night next year to cover it. The meat was charred to perfection and a few extra minutes in the hot dog/sausage/bean slurry made for some tasty stuff. A big thank you to the fellas from the Tribune for sticking around and offering to clean up.

We had a Captain from Team Bronconian point out a rule found in Article 7, Section 6 on page 11 of the Bylaws. It states;
"Any team that shows up between 4 and 6pm for the normal tee off time that is not in possession of a Tee Time Agreement between their team and their competing team for that week, signed and witnessed by each team member, Notarized by the league Handicap Chairman and blessed by the league Chaplain will receive 0 points and will be subject to playing behind Team Bronconian for the duration of the league." Further,"Any reasonable attempt to contact said team must be made at exactly 5:41 pm on a Tuesday with a Full Harvest Moon and must be attempted via Telegraph, Carrier Pigeon, Postal Currier or via the Announcement section of all local New Papers."


Thanks for pointing that rule out Captain Fuckface and enjoy the $12.00 trophy if you win it all.

The best thing about Hot Dog night is avoiding Sandies. Old Man Turner is in town from Florida and was a real Celebrity at his well known watering hole named after himself "Turners Port of Hair." Aunt Carol busted her arm on the trip and was last seen shaving young man Turner's eye brows with her good arm.

See You Fuckers Next Week.

Week 12 Rain Delays

Another fine meal prepared by Kirky


We had a bit of a rain shower on Wednesday but all groups finished and are on track for the year end schedule.

I really don't mind playing in the rain and the same holds true for some of my fellow golfers. About 12 of us assembled in the shelter near the 8th tee to wait out the rain when Bruce suggested removing our shirts to dry them under the hand blower in the mens room.

What a great idea.

Bruce, Lester and Kirky all went into the mens room topless and turned on the blower. They were in there for about a half hour with the door locked. When they emerged, Kirky's hat was on sideways, his glasses were missing, Les was wearing Bruce's pants and they were all smoking cigarettes.

I witnessed a touching moment at Sandies after the round.
I was sitting at my table pantless reviewing the bylaws when I heard an older fellow yell out "Son is that you." I looked up and noticed Mike GangsterofLove look in his direction. The old man yelled out, "I'm so proud of him." He then got up from his barstool, finished his 14oz glass of Dewars, navigated the 6 different elevations in Sandies floor and embraced his son. Bruce then hugged both of them and slowly the three walked to the corner of the bar.
When I left, Bruce was slow dancing with Mike's estranged Father while Mike was curled in the fetal position under the pool table sobbing.

See You Fuckers next week.

Week 11 - Year End Outing Update

Picture of my beautiful Wife and daughters.



Well last week was uneventful. The cart girl is still a huge Bitch and turns into a mute whenever I'm around, I refuse to tip her and will not engage her in anymore conversation. Cornell sucks the big Red one too.

Don't forget to fork over $75.00 for the final outing at Chestnut Hill. We play the final outing and championship match at a completely different course because this league is run by a bunch of complete fucking dip-shits. I am only the handicap manager so don't complain to me, call Bruce LOL!!!

The $75.00 includes 1 hot dog for lunch, one scoop of jello and a tube steak for dinner. It also includes the impressive trophies that Kirky molds out of the left over beans from Hot Dog night. We hope to have a 6 pack of beer to share with the fellas as well.

Dungaree night is coming up so be sure to wear your best Wranglers.

Almost forgot, see you fuckers next week.

Week 10 Golf Update

Well another 90 degree Wednesday golf night at the Beav, at least we were able to finish our 9 holes under 3 1/2 hours.

The night could have gone better but the cart girl is bipolar and/or deaf and acts indifferent to some of the golfers, ok just me, friggin witch. I'm going to disconnect the brake cable on her cart and watch with enjoyment as she plummets into the scum covered pond, I wish a curse of roids on her as well.

I witnessed a miracle of nature while on the 5th hole. A large bullfrog was enjoying the hot sun when suddenly an errant shot made a direct hit on the poor fella. I caught it on tape and included it for your enjoyment.

The 90 plus temperature, 190% humidity and lack of air conditioning at Sandies made it feel like you were in Satan's bowel. Carol's face of plastic was starting to disintegrate the and even the flies were repulsed.

I recommend the Cajun Wings at "Say Beefcake" if you're looking to remove a few layers of stomach lining. Wednesday is "Ugly Women With Tramp Stamp Night."

The course is in fine shape as Burl Ives aka Gary turned the sprinkler on for 10 minutes to take a shower.

Don't forget to repair your ballmarks and remember Sandies new rule, No Shirt, No Sleeves, No Service.

See you fuckers next week, and don't forget the cart girl is a huge BIIIIIIIITCH.

Week 9 Results

Salisbury Steak ala Sandies


Well the weather was a little hot but we all had a swell time Wednesday night.
The sweltering muggy weather did not stop some of you die hards from wearing long pants and some even wore Dungarees!!!I'll bet your Jock Itch is much better because of it.
The drinks and atmosphere at Sandies was interesting, it was so hot even the Flies were sluggish.

Some of the fella's from FedExcrement wanted to pair up with the guys from the Tribune but since the fella's from FedExcrement are Douchebags, the offer was declined.

Ill be late next week as I'm going in for a Penile implant and may be a little sore. The last one was removed as it was worn out, as was my Rotater Cuff and I have carpal tunnel syndrome and some blistering on my hand as well.

See you Fuckers next week.

Week 1 Second Half Begins

My Neice on the Course, Jenny Cochnocher, aint she cute.


Well we made it to the first week of the second half of the season. Thanks again for all of the help cleaning up after Hot Dog night, everyone pitched in but the fella's from the Tribune, they must have had a deadline. The extra relish will not go to waste, Kirky poured it into one of his golf shoes and will bring it back for Hot Dog night in a few weeks.

Remember that due to the rainout a few weeks back the season has been extended by a week and all scores from that week will be posted as per the blind, minus handicap plus we add the last weeks score and the square root of my left nut.

Best Dressed Golfer goes to Mike GangsterofLove for his Toxic Orange shirt and Pasty White legs. Lester looked resplendent in a neatly pressed pair of Wranglers.

I had a great time at Sandies after my round and can't say enough about the chef. I ordered the Tofu Burger and white rice, the light was dim but I swear my rice was moving on my plate. The Grapevine may have their Fish Tanks but Sandies has a nightly Air Show with different breeds of Flies fighting for the air space. The dog in Sandies gave it a down home feel, so much so that I unbuttoned my pants and peed in front of the TV.

I never see the Luvata fella's at Sandies, they get caught up playing slap and tickle in the parking lot after the round and end up spanking each other.

Have a great Fourth of July, I plan on spending some quality time with myself and a good periodical.
See you fuckers next week.

Week 7 Update

Wildlife at the Beav had to head for cover as the Island Shepard was rounding em up.
Well, Hot Dog night went incredibly well.

Somehow Kirky manages to provide 20 hot dogs, 7 sausages, 2 cans of beans and 4 bags of chips and miniature buns for the golfers with a budget of only $150.00. I was left to help him clean up and we had a deep throat contest with the remaining charred dogs - I won!
The first half of the season was won by the fella's from Fed Excrement. The match was a close one with Lester coming through with a clutch shoton number nine (I thought it was his 9th shot of the hole but the scorecard said 4) well done Master Thespian!
The overcooked sausage is not being handled well by my system and I may have to get the jaws of life to pry it out of my colon.
The best thing about Hot Dog night is not visiting the shit hole known as "Sandies".

We had a report of young man Turner snapping like a twig when his Rotary phone kept ringing. He was repeatedly interupted from halving the chicken fingers and he came close to tearing the sleeveless shirt off his chiseled frame.

Week 5 and 6 results

Welcome To Sandies!!


Well we were rained out last week as you all know, so I added that week to the second 1/2 of the year and made it count as double points toward the week that we lost including playing the blind. The handicap adjustments were done based on my own chinese math and are going to be adjusted after the 3rd week of the second half of the first quarter of next months results. If you have any questions call BRUCE!!!! LOL!!! I love the InterWeb!!
I also changed Hot Dog night to the 23rd of this month.
Kirk - please start sifting through the mold and get some brown beans for the fella's.

Also, we have had some complaints that the pace of play is too quick. Michael Gangsteroflove noticed a group playing the first hole and they completed it in just under 35 minutes. I will send a memo out later this month regarding article 3, paragraph 1 section 2.5.1 titled PACE OF PLAY - GOLFERS ARE TO COMPLETE EACH HOLE AS IF THEY ARE OUT FOR A SUNDAY STROLL WITH A DEAD WILDABEAST.

Enjoy the week fellas, Bob Dieliki the Tire thrower and I are going for a bike ride to some local antique shops this weekend.

Oh one more thing Fuck all of ya!

This is my pal Fester on the first hole, he had a birdie.

Another great night for our league. Most golfers finished before midnight and Carol looked splendid at Sandies.
Curt called to report free wings and beer at Sandies but it was apparently a put on. He still is a bit dazed from losing his wallet at the stripper joint in Canada last year.
The cheaters from Luvata were having a field day, giving each other 6 foot gimmie's and having a grand time. They were even spotted in the parking lot giving each other hot oil massages after their round.

I do have some sad news to report - the Chef at Turners has passed away from rabies and Old Man Turner is not allowed to have any patrons on the patio. He was playing his HI Fi too loud while clipping his toenails and upset his new neighbor.

They do however have a Roller Derby starting this weekend. The route goes from the front door to the rear patio.

See you fuckers next Wednesday.
All my best,
Jerry CochNocher

Week Three Results

We had a good day for golf, 90 degrees, no wind (except for my own) and Goose turds galore.

Most of the Fellas finished in under 5 hours for 9 holes, well done - French kisses for everyone.

Good time had by all. I was the odd man out, so I played the back nine with a stranger, we hit it off well enough that we went back to his place after getting bombed at Sandies.

We are now playing NO Fluffy Ruffy ROLL ANYWHERE IN THE FAIRWAY.


I enjoyed the chicken wing soup while at Sandies although I ordered chicken wings. I also enjoyed playing a little slap and tickle with the boys from Luvata.


Some of the fellas forgot to hand in a scorecard so I just gave them 10 points.

Hot Dog night is coming soon, Kirky has stocked up as Dollar Tree has them on sale, the beans are coming from a can that is left over from last year and he assures me that he will have at least one bag of soggy Lays chips. I love that man.