Gents - thanks for finding 17 more random people to act as golfers in the league that already has too many members, as are last night we are almost full. If the new members don't show up or don't pay, then I'll find some homeless people and bring them in.
This week we'll have 2 closest to the pins' and one closest to my crotch - I'll be straddling the final hole wearing nothing but a smile.
Ties will carry over to next week when I'll dream up some other contest that will make absolutely no sense whatsoever, consistent with everything else.
Remember this week is also establish your handicap week. New golfers will be slotted in first place for the remainder of the year.

Good Day.

Gentlemen,
Last minute,but I will be meeting some gang members up at the Paddock Golf Dome to collect dues, play pocket pool and answer any question about my love life you may have.  I'll be there at 5:00, I plan on hitting myself in the groin a few times first.  See you if your interested.



Joe D

 
Subject: 2014 Beaver island Golf Club Dues & Fees

Gentlemen,
The following changes have been made to our league fees

1. $1200 Reservation Fees (15 weeks x 40Golfers x $2) are no longer required.

2.  All greens fees, $440, are do prior to the first group teeing off each week(40 golfer x $11)

3. All those who tee off after 5:30 will be required to pay a one time fee of $17 for a miner's hat with flashlight attached.

The end result of this is that for golf this year your going to pay $165 instead of $195 however this will have to be upfront or in installment throughout the year, I'm still trying to figure out the easiest way to handle it without it being an accounting nightmare. I have a fairly serious gambling problem in addition to an addiction to porn and need the money upfront to support my vices. I am also being sued by Mo for taking over the league and need money for my legal woes.
This fee would be do even if you miss weeks.  Please consider this you were only out $2 a week before now you will be out $11.

I need a response on whether or not your still in and also if you have any payment suggestions I'd love to hear them.  I cant wait for this golf season and cannot wait to make out with Carol Channing after a night of heavy drinking at Say Cheese.

Thanks!

Joe D.

Recap at Halfway Mark

Well we are halfway home and it looks like a tight race between the Ronconians and Tire throwers.
The heat has made it tough for the fella's that wear dungarees and we're glad that Mike Gangsta of love put his sharpie away. Bruce did confirm his hatred of Muslims and said the likeness of his wang on the 6th tee was remarkable.
We still have a few hot dogs left from last year and will re-purpose the beans for the next 6 Hot Dog nights.
Good luck next week and don't forget to share the Bone in Ribeye at the RockStone.

Young man Turner has had an allergic reaction to gnawing the synthetic rubber off of the ping pong paddles. He has uncontrollable spasms whenever he is around hot barmaids and goes into a cleaning frenzy when behind the bar. He recently promoted Achilles to night manager and was last seen looking for a customer's wallet in the men's room.
See you Fuckers next week.

New Season to Start- Meet at Turners After

Well Fella's its time to get ready to play our typical 5 hour round of Wednesday night golf.
I took the liberty of adding 6 more chapters to our bylaws as I need to be sure team Ronconian has every opportunity to win each week.

Hope you all had a nice offseason, I kept busy by furiously buffing my balls twice a day. I can't wait to show them to you all.



I also was able to peel off a few layers of rotten skin from the left over hot dogs so we are good to go for the 1st Hot Dog night.

See you fuckers soon.

Jerry

Tribune team banished from league

Gentlemen, as you all know the team from the tribune has been banished from our league.
Below you will find a copy of the letter that was sent via certified mail to the team manager from our league CEO Spruce Bruce.

From the Desk of the Spruce Bruce
Dear Sir or Madam,
Due to your violation of the Bylaws, article 3, paragraph 2.1.1, item #3, page 4;
Any team that does not show up without a written excuse from their parent or legal guardian and if said absence has absolutely no affect on the standings of this incredibly piss-poor run league, said team will be BANISHED from further play.

It has been great playing with you fella's.

XOXOXO
Bruce

p.s. I lost my sundial last week, please turn it in at the clubhouse if you have it.


Enjoy the off-season.
See you Fuckers in the Spring.

Jerry

Year End Results

Here I am adding up the extra hot dogs.



Well we had a good turnout for the final event at Chestnut Run Golf Course.
The fella's from Ufinrax won the title even though they played on Tuesday's and handed in the card (at Sandies) on Wednesday multiple times throughout the year. This violated 12 articles in our ByLaws but no points deducted as they are a bunch of swell eggs.

We also would like to thank the fellas from the the Tire Company about reminding me that rolling the ball in the fairway is allowed. I'm not up on the rules of golf and never see this done anywhere else but it must be ok since they do it every week.

Also, to the teams that did not call to pair up with your opponents - you will receive 0 points from now on, sometimes or not as I will selectively penalize the teams as I feel like it.

Further, the white stakes on the sides of the fairways near the wooded areas are just there for decoration, not to mark out of bounds or anything, so feel free to bang as many balls past them and DO NOT add a penalty stroke.

Our finances look great as I was able to pay myself $150.00 plus all the extra hot dogs and condiments for all of my hard work. It is very hard to misinterpret the ByLaws differently every week as I decide which team to screw with.

I hope you fuckers enjoy the off season and don't forget to stop by my house to spank me real hard.

See you Fuckers Next Year.
Regards,

Jer Bear